Thursday, November 20, 2008

We Come Across A Lot Of Things In Our Lives

Alrighty! So I am in a pretty good mood tonight, for the most part. Had a freaking BLAST at Hi-BA. We had a huge crack-up fest. Katya told some hilarious stories so we were all hystarical. And I was supposed to lead worship...slightly difficult when I'm still trying to stop laughing haha. But ya. Pretty awesome. She told us about this 70year old Philippino woman she met during the summer that was like "When I had my first child, she was so hairy, I thought I gave birth to a monkey!!" And omg, everyone was busting up so bad. It was great. Oh man. Haha. Laughing about it now in my head.

Anyway rode my bike home from the station tonight. It's getting freaking cold dude. I was riding home on my bike pretty fast so my hair was getting blown by the wind, so it wasn't keeping my ears warm. I got home, and they were bright red, and because they were so cold I had a massive headache. Now it's just a little. But I think this calls for some earmuffs. Black ones so they don't clash with my pretty pink coat =D. Exciting story right? Haha.

So on my way home I was thinking about a few friends that I have. They're awesome. I was thinking about hwo they love me for me, no matter what. You know what that reminded me of? Jesus. His undying love. He loves me for who I am, as I am, even when I screw up big time. It's interesting that they remind me of that, cause two of them aren't even Christians. CRAZY! But awesome at the same time. I wish that I saw all of my Christian friends that way. Hopefully that day will come.

Anyway found the Iressistable Revolution in my madre's room the other day. Gonna read it again, cause that book is freaking amazing, and refreshing. I'm starting to think about my winter reading list as well haha. Gotta finish all of the Ted Dekker books that we got this summer, and then I think I'm gonna get on reading Twilight. XD. I've cracked! Gotta read it. I'm just way too curious now. Everywhere I look it's like "Twilight!" or "Edward Cullen!" I JUST GOTTA KNOW! hahah.

Ok depressing thought for the night. I was doing my Japan Seminar homework, and we just finished up our Hiroshima section yesterday. So we were talking about the bombing of Hiroshima and stuff. So our homework was to look through the art of Hiroshima victims, and to categorize them. One of my categories was water. So the images that I found were images of people who were boiling from the radiation, and trying to drink water. But the water was messed up so when they drank it, it literally blew up their stomachs and they died. So the images were of bodies floating in the water. Gruesome, I know. But then I realized something. In one of the images there's this building that a lot of people in the world recognize, because it has been shown a lot in images of Hiroshima's destruction, and it's something a lot of people drew. In one of the water pictures with dead people in it, that building is right next to it. Then I remember. In 7th grade we went to Hiroshima for a school trip, and we went to that building. I remember the river now. And now I feel sick. I saw the destruction caused by the atomic bomb, that disgusting weapon. But because we were in the peace museum, I didn't think anything gruesome about the whole thing. But now I think...I was by the river where people drank and died. People drowned. People died where I stood, from something my country used. And people wonder why I'm so antiwar.

Ok. On that note. Better say something happy to end it off. I have completed my next Knowledge piece. I might have to change more though, cause tomorrow is critic day. I'm scared. But here it is, I'm really happy with it.



"Trust yourself. You know more than you think." is the text around the apple. The quote is by Benjamin Spock. Hope you guys like it =] Oh and hand model is Ty Boynton. He was nice about it. Haha.

Well goodnight everyone! I'm gonna go get some good sleep. Hopefully...haha. Loves! <3

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Breathing In A New Mentality

I have 2 days left on my Adobe Photoshopt CS2 Trial. CRAAAAAAAAAAAP. Back to Gimp with me. So lame. Better get to work on my photos now haha.

Anyway. Crappy day. But you know, that seems to be the way things generally go now. Kinda lame. But. I shall not let it keep me down. Ima try anyway. For example, I had a crappy day today, so I'm going to edit my pictures, and hopefully get some good stuff out of them to make me happy. Wee.

I thought I found candle apples over the weekend...turned out they were just like, insense or something. I was pretty pissed when the thing stopped burning.

Listening to underoath. I think underoath and All Time Low are the only two things I listen to these days. It's ok though. They're both insanely awesome.

I'm bored. I don't know why I'm writing a blog, I really don't have anything to write about. Off to my pictures I go.

Monday, November 17, 2008

"Do you really need to see an I.D...

...this is embarassing as hell but I can cover for it so well..." All Time Low

So pretty much had a crappy day, but I'm feeling better now. Feeling a little under the weather though. The air in this country sucks. Anywho. My fingers look like skittles. It's lovely. I've been having to ward people off, they keep trying to eat them. Haha jk. Anyway. Totally hooked on All Time Low right now. It's pretty awesome. Listening to an acoustic version of Coffeeshop. It's nice. I really like it. Alex Gaskarth has a beautiful voice. Can't wait to perform some of their songs at the next MUSE Coffeehouse! I think it's in Februray. Gah. Sounds so far away. But it's ok All Rights Reserved has a performance at ASIJ's Winterfest on Dec 6th so that should be bomb. We're doing a Nevershoutnever set, and one Christmas song. Wee I'm excited! I won't have a guitar this time though...I hope I can figure out something to do with my hands haha.

Current thought skipping through my mind...I can't wait to find out if I get into Azusa. I hope I do. Really wanna go there. Either way I can't wait to go to college. I wanna start over and go somewhere where not very many people know me, cause if I end up at Azusa I'll know Ayumi, Corey, and Ethan, but I'm good on their list so it's ok. And they aren't the kind of people that will expect me to be around them all the time. They would probably rather I didn't anyway haha. Can't wait to start over though. I haven't had a fresh start in a reeeeeally long time.

So I'm gonna go to bed now. In bed before 10? Miyuki?! NO WAY! Yes way. It's happening tonight. Oh BEAUTIFUL.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I'm A Fool.

When the cold comes, the best way to keep from it is to shield yourself from it. A jacket. Something to block it. I've found my jacket.

Never will I trust a new girl with my heart like that ever again.
Breathe this in.
I've never lit a match
With intent to start a fire
But recently the flames
Are getting out of control
Call me a name
Kill me with words
Forget about me
It's what I deserve
Wait outside
I hope the air will serve to remind you
That my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath
And my words are as timed as the beating in my chest
(All Time Low)

You say we're free. I don't know the word. You made me believe I wasn't disgusting... now everythings been torn down. Thank you for opening my eyes. I will never trust another girl with my heart again. People always ask why I have more friends that are guys than girls, this is why. Katya's my last hope.

He said this would happen... and I convinced myself he was wrong. I should have listened.

I don't want to fight for anyone ever again. The people I fight the hardest for leave. I'm done.

It's really messed up that the people letting me down are Christians. The people are holding me up (with the exception of a few) are not. There's something wrong with this picture.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Status: Random

So the other day Graham was talking about what stress symptoms he has. My turn. Just for fun.




Cognitive Symptoms
Inability to concentrate
Trouble thinking clearly
Anxious or racing thoughts
Fearful anticipation


Emotional Symptoms
Moodiness
Agitation
Restlessness
Inability to relax
Feeling tense and "on edge"
Feeling overwhelmed
Sense of loneliness and isolation


Physical Symptoms
Headches and backaches
Muscle tension and stiffness
Skin breakouts (and that just makes me feel worse)

Behavioral Symptoms
Eating more or less
Sleeping too much or too little
Procrastination
Nervous habits
Jaw clenching

Well that was fun. I need a vacation.

I just saw a bulletin someone posted, and they were talking about Twlight. Everyone seems to be into Twlight...now I'm really curious. I think I'm getting sucked in. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm listening to Christmas music right now. I love it. Plus One Christmas CD. So good. Oh so so good. I love pop Christmas music haha. It's so....awesome. Just awesome. Yes.

4 days to JUMP. 18 days to Disneyland/Thanksgiving break. 46 days to Christmas. 53 days to my 18th birthday. 109 days to graduation. I have a few things to look forward to =]

I'm really missing my boy right now. I was just looking at a picture of us from this summer (see above) and it made me really homesick. Brings back good memories though, so that's good. I'd just like to be back in his arms again.

That was a fun random streak. I'm done. My head hurts.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Oh My Soul

I recently realized that I suck at communicating with people. I talk a lot, but when I want to get accross something that actually has a lot of weight and meaning, I can't. Body language is how I communicate how I'm feeling more than words. Example: If I'm really bothered by something, I tend to stare off in space a lot, lost in my jumbled thoughts trying to understand what just happened.

That happened tonight. No on noticed, so I turned it off. I acted like the happy little girl everyone loves. When really I was wondering what was going through that woman's head before she talked to me...when she was talking to me...when she yelled at my youth pastor...and when I heard her yelling at the other pastor. The yelling shakes me up. Yelling scares me, directed at me or not. I was so shook the first time my youth pastor hit the drums I jumped. I don't even know what happened...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't understand...and I can't even explain any of it. Oh Jesus save me...

I think my heart is starting to shatter. I don't know what to do about it.

A Poem

It's nice to know when people look at me
They see a disgusting sewage rat
Deep in the middle of my heart is where they spat
They'll never understand
Because they don't want to
Does anyone want to see me the way I am?
The small child crying
Always, always trying
But trying doesn't ever help.
I'm always the one causing the damage
Your desire to drive a knife through your heart
It's because of me
Your pain and misery
It's because of me
I don't need to be reminded
Stop screaming it at me
I'm clawing at my ears
Trying to rip them off so I can't hear your words
All they do is bleed.
Bleeding.
Bleeding.
Bleeding.
And your words just keep growing louder
The crowd keeps growing stronger.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Relief

I officially owe Emi Yoshi my life.

Epic Panic Mode

I can't find my homework prompt for Japan Seminar. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Keep Clawing At My Ears And They Keep Ringing

There are four things in life I seem to constantly be day dreaming about.
1) Photo ideas
2) Horses, mainly horseback riding
3) Being back in Torrance
4) Graham
The most frequently occuring one as of recent has been horseback riding. I haven't been in two years, and soon those two years are going to turn into three. I hope I don't lose it before then.

Today sucked. It seems like everytime we contact each other now, I look like even more of a failure, like a terrible person to you. With a lot of people I wouldn't have cared, but your opinion really matters to me. I feel like if we keep talking, it's only a matter of time before you think I'm a pile of vomit.

Right now in this moment I would love nothing more than to go up in the mountains where no one else is with a horse and my camera for a night or two. Time to just be me. Take in all of what the Creator made for us. Be at peace with my loves, my passions. I want to sleep under the stars and be able to just stare up at them. I want to say whatever I want, and not be given crap for it. I want to love what I want to love. Be where I want to be. Feel what I want to feel. Ok I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.

I'm sick of all the criticism. I'm sick if being shut down. I know what I want. I know what I need to do. Let me do it. I just want to be me. And be comfortable being me.

I'm getting fat again. =/

Monday, November 3, 2008

Don't Look At Me

I'm filthy.

Yes, Even Stars Break

It's interesting how circumstances in life can totally switch roles on people. At one point in life, he was the person I looked up to. He has the greatest impact on my life, in that he helped me lay the foundation for my faith. He encouraged me every step of the way, and called me out on things when he felt he needed to. He was all the way on the other side of the world, but he took it upon himself to do that for me. He'll never know how much that means to me. He'll never know the impact he had on my life.

Now our roles have been switched. My faith has grown stronger, and his has been hurting. I am calling him out. I just wish that he would listen. It hurts to see him damaging himself...and when I tell him he fights it. I guess I'll never be what he was to me. That's ok though, I know Jesus will use someone else.

I went to Yamaguchi with my family cause we had a three day weekend. I was hoping for a restful weekend, but alas, it was not. I got a lot of sleep, but I didn't sleep well. I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight. Here's my favorite picture from the weekend =] To see the rest go here.