I Need A Life

...and I needed a laugh so laugh with me!






















Awww!!

G-d's Not Dead

So I had a really crazy dream Wednesday night. I dreamt that my mom, Tomomi and I were up in the mountains for vacation or something. On our way back down we stopped at a convenient store and this scraggly old man gave me this little plant with a single drop of water on it and told me to hold on to it until it deteriorated. The plant was a bulb, like if a rose hadn't bloomed yet and it was green. Then we get down the mountain and we're driving through Shibuya. We drive past the street where the Shibuya Cyclone is and I see David McDaniel, and he's the only one on the street. I jump out of the car and he's standing in the middle of the street praying with his eyes closed. I stand in front of him for a while and when he's done he looks at me and he's way shocked to see me. Then we head over to this place next to Tokyo Tower, but instead of being red/orange Tokyo Tower is black. I go inside of the building next to Tokyo Tower and there's a bunch of people. It's almost like a dance. There's tons of people that I know, but I can't remember who was there. Chris (my youth pastor) was in there, and he preaching like crazy. All of the girls were wearing the same kind of dress, just different colors. Someone hands me one to put on and I head out to change. I change into the dress, and for some reason decide that I have to climb to the top of Tokyo Tower. There's tons of people all over, like they're partying on it. I get to the top and then realize that I need to get down. One of my legs is hanging over the edge, and I fall. I fall for a long time, and as I fall I'm praying to Jesus to save me. And then it turns into a movie type thing. I hit the ground, but the ground is like one of those blow up house things that kids play in at parties, so I'm not hurt. And after I hit that it's like a flash back in slow motion. As I'm falling, I see next to my cushion that on Tokyo Tower really big in white it says "G-D'S NOT DEAD."Now what am I supposed to think of this?

"You're Not Alone

...confide in me. Put anything on me. I am always here for you." - Red Rover, The Scene Aesthetic.

I'm supposed to be in bed in 5minutes, but I really need to write. I had a crazy dream the other night, but I'll post that in another post after this one. (Already typed it up.)

I've been thinking a lot...a lot more than usual, and I've realized something. I've realized that my trust issue is a lot more deep than I thought it was. I don't open up to people the way that I thought I did. There's so much I haven't told people. Do you know why I do this? Because I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of what people will think of me. There's this huge pressure to be this perfect person, because in my Christian community people look up to me. If I slip up it causes them to slip up. I can't do it. But when I slip up, I can't talk about it. People can't know. One of my biggest fears is being rejected because of my mistakes. The people that I love the most...I'm so afraid of what they'll think of me if I tell them things. How would they react? Would they still love me? Would they still have that much respect for me? Would they think I was a disgusting slob and want nothing to do with me? People think I'm so confident....but really in my mind I'm curled up in a ball, silently shutting myself off from the world so they can't see. They can't see the worst of me.

You said not to write about you, but I need to vent. My heart is so twisted right now. You've pained me in so many wants I can't even write about all of it. I don't want everyone to know about it. I think the two things that hurt the most were when I told you I had a problem, it could have turned into something really bad, and you just ignored me. You pushed aside my pain and insecurities. Yours were the only ones that mattered. That shattered me. I'm still trying to find the pieces of my heart so I can put them back together. Then there's the times you told me that you didn't trust what I thought I heard from G-d. I was always wrong. I couldn't hear from G-d. That's what you said. You could, but you couldn't trust me with that. I'm less mature than you. I don't know as much as you. My faith...it hurts. I'm so unsure. Am I hearing what I want, or is Jesus speaking to me? I don't know. I don't act. And everytime I think about it the pieces of my heart start to fall again. All the work I put into putting them back together, it's fading. I'm not a piece of trash. You make me feel like trash, but I'm not. My hearts so weak, it's hard to listen to it when it tells me that I'm not. I wish I could curl up in a corner and cry it all away. All the pain. I thought I was rid of it. I was angry with you earlier. I almost wrote you back to tell you how angry I was. But I didn't. Now I'm hurt. You stabbed me again. You opened up my healing wounds. Now they're oozing. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this... I need you gone before you drive me back to where I was. I don't want that again. Don't push me back to the pain I was escaping. If you ever loved me, don't push me back into it.

I don't want to hate you. I try to keep the mindset that you're a good guy, we just went about it all wrong. I try to tell people that and mean it. Don't make me change that.

I think I'm going to go up to bed and cry now. Oh Jesus save me. You're the only one that heal my broken heart...

Your Presence Isn't What Kills Me

...it's that artistic gleam. It's taking over my scenery, dream by dream." - nevershoutnever!

Ya. I'm listening to him again. Sorry. Can't help myself. I just fixed a tab for that song, haha. I'm such a loser.

I'm about to go work on my Japan Seminar homework since Krauth gave us this HUGE packet to read from. My gosh. I won't be able to finish it all tonight. I finished my college essay though. Woo! So tomorrow I'm going to go over it with Krauth, and I sent it to Yu-san as well to get a Christian writer's perspective haha.

Anyway. Feeling crappy. Again. Got my feelings hurt. But that's life, so I shouldn't really dwell on it. I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to constantly be dissapointing people, and I need to just get used it. They're not always going to like how I think, and I can't sacrifice who I am in every single way to please them. Some ways yes, sacrifice means love, but not in everything. Sucks hardcore knowing that they're unhappy with me though.

It's really weird...I'm sweating like crazy and I have no idea why. It's not like it's even that hot, and I have the fan on me. Hope I'm not coming down with something. I have my college aps to finish, a Japan Seminar essay and the ACT on Saturday. Ugh. So much work. I can't wait for Christmas break. I'm going to spend the first few days sitting on the computer. Or in my room playing my guitar, praying for a new guitar haha.

Ok well better get to my homework and try and forget crap. I'll share a couple of pictures I saw today that I loved first though. =]

0:59 by laflaneuse

I LOVE pictures that look old and faded like this.

And I like the lonely benches.

Kind of fits my mood right now.

Fisherman by PORG
This photographer is one of my favorites on dA.
This pictures is so...dream like.

It's beautiful.

Later kids. <3

"Scream It, Shout It

...tell everybody that you're gonna leave me again, oh so casually." - nevershoutnever!

I'm working on this really irritating online Geometry course but it's time for a break, and a good break calls for a blog. So here it is.

I talked to Dylan Mitchell today (yes I always say his full name) and we decided to add Ty Boynton into our little All Rights Reserved project. He's going to take on some guitar, so I can chill out and focus on my vocals. Sounds like a good trade to me haha. Anyway we've done the Secondhand Serenade set, next up is a nevershoutnever! set. I'm excited. It should be good XD Good poppy music haha. And the awesome thing is the kid that wrote all of it is the same age as us. Woo! He's a better singer than I am. And better at guitar than Dylan Mitchell and Ty but...they'll get there haha. =] Luckily his songs are pretty easy.

It makes me really sad when I get on AIM and I look to see if you're online...and then realize we're not talking for a while. I really do miss you. I hope you don't forget that. You've changed the way I see so many things, and I'm so grateful for all of our crazy, spastic ADD conversations. Especially the awesome photography ideas. =] I can't wait to get to the day we get to do that again. Until then. I hope you're doing awesome. I really do.

Listening to nevershoutnever! woo. I'm obsessed haha. When I get my allowance, first thing I'm doing is buying his CD cause it's freakin CHEAP. So good so good. Haha.

I have a stomach ache. =/ It's been on and off since 5. So lame. Ok well, I've been on break for 20minutes now so I'm going to be a loser and update my myspace status and get back to my math haha. Man. I really am a loser haha. Byeee

<3

Here We Go

I haven't blogged since Monday night....so this might be a long one.

At the moment I'm incredibly irritated. Tyler just texted me. I only know from the area code. He's hanging out with this Christian writer/evangelist whatever you want to call him, that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE and he sent me a text telling me that and asking me if I wanted to ask him any questions. Ugh. I want to, but I don't want to connect myself with Tyler again just yet. I don't want to give him a reason to talk to me. Or am I just being prideful? It's hard.

Your Call
(sorry about the terrible sound quality...and some of my off notes)
I was thinking about my man when I was singing this...<3


We had the MUSE coffee house last night. I had a blast, even though I messed up a lot. Haha. But that's ok. It was bound to happen. Dylan and Cody both did really good, but Cody was really nervous. His voice wasn't as strong as it usually is. But oh well. It's ok. We'll be better with the whole band next time haha. Emi's band Sargent Horace was amaaaazing. As was Lila. Gene's voice has gotten sooo smooth and beautiful. It's perfect haha.

Ya not really much more to say. Hope slept over last night and we had some good chill time. And ice cream. Woo. We watched Music and Lyrics, love that movie.

I can't write much. I'm in a lame mood now. =/ I wish he hadn't texted me. Frick. There's too much pressure when he does. I feel sick.

I'm done.

PASSION Tokyo 2008

I just had an FANASTIC night! I met up with some kids from church and we went to the Shibuya CC Lemon Hall to attend the first PASSION conference in Tokyo! Oh man. What can I say? I'm so happy I went. I feel SO refereshed! I've never felt the presence of Jesus so heavily in once place as tonight. It was just....AHHH!! Hahaha. =D I'm so exaughsted from the singing and jumping and all that crazy WORSHIP!! haha XD

David Crowder showing us how it's done.

For worship we had Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and my favorite, David Crowder. They were all awesome. And I was really happy that Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman both added some Japanese into their songs. It was great. David Crowder didn't sing in Japanese, but he did some talking, and it was great. Aw man. Amazing worship!

Louie telling us an awesome story.

Louie Giglio was the speaker, and of course, he was amazing. I expected nothing different. And he was hilarious. I'm hoping the sermon he did will be put up on youtube or something, or at least bits of it so I can show you guys. I can tell you about it, but hearing him speak is so completely different. He always hits the spot, and I'm so thankful that G-d has used him to impact so many lives for Jesus.


Ok so if you don't know what Passion is you might be a little confused right now haha. Passion is a college conference. I'm not in college but I'm a senior so I got to go haha. Actually it was probably only 60% college students at this but...that's ok. Haha. Anyway it's for college students to come together and worship and learn about Jesus during one of the craziest times of their life.

The Hong Kong banner I made. I can see me to the right being excited haha.

One of the many signs Korea made for Tokyo.

Before Passion was only held in the US, but this year they started a world tour. They're going to 17 different cities around the world, and we were the 15th. Basically each city would pray for the next city, and donate money to help pay for the next city's conference. They also made posters for them and all this awesome stuff. The city after Tokyo is Hong Kong, so while we were waiting to get in I made a banner on this bright yellow neon colored paper haha. I wrote "GOD BLESS HONG KONG!" and then I asked this guy on the worship team at church, who is from Hong Kong, to write it in Chinese. So it was freaking awesome. We taped it onto the edge of the balcony haha. Then afterwards I asked someone to give it to Louie Giglio for me. Woo! I wanted to give it to him myself but....he was in a meeting so I couldn't. So another awesome thing that they did to remind us to pray for Hong Kong was reeeeally cool. When you give them your ticket they give you one of those hospital band things. On the inside is the name of the next city. So at the end we turned them inside out, so we can pray for Hong Kong until Thursday, on Thursday, and I plan to even after Thursday. It's so cool!!!!

Just gonna talk about Louie's message for a bit. Basically, he was reminding us that we need to be the light in dark Japan. We need to make Jesus famous. And dude I am SO DOWN WITH THAT. Freaking on fire. Jesus keep my fire alive. I can't wait to see what's going to happen the rest of the school year! And even after that.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waste Myself On You

My stomach feels so disgusting right now.

So I was looking through some pictures on DevArt today, and I found some awesome pictures. They really struck me, so I thought I would share them with you guys.

Your Body is WONDERLAND by ciplukk

Kindergarten Girl by ciplukk

interlude experimental4 by BenoitPaille

I might do an actual post later. I'm gonna go take a nap now.

If We Were A Sinking Ship

There are a bunch of things running through my mind in tihs current moment. That was a really wordy sentence haha. Anyway I'm sitting in the dining room right now on my mom's cute little HP laptop, and on the ride side of the screen is this kid named Graham. He fell asleep on the webcam, and he happens to be the most adorable thing ever. I can't get over it =]

Besides that....haha. I've been talking to one of Graham's friends, David, who goes to Vanguard with him. In the beginning of the year they were all like "Come to Vanguard! Screw Azusa!" and it was just kind of a funny thing but like, it's funny how David is persisting with the idea. He keeps reminding me that I need to pray about what school I go to, and I need to let Jesus lead me in the right direction. And he told me about how he really didn't want to go to Vanguard, but this is where Jesus wanted to put him, and he sees evidence of it everyday. I think that's awesome. It just makes me wonder like...ionno. Haha. Does G-d want me at Azusa or Vanguard? I think I'm like, thinking about Vanguard so much now, cause if people I don't really know persist at something with this kind of attitude toward me, it just makes me wonder if Jesus is using them to speak to me. So gotta keep the prayer going. We'll see what happens.

I'm trying to write a song right now, and it's proving to be a difficult process. I have my lyrics down, but the actual musical aspects of the song are a little bit more difficult for me to come up with haha. Ah music. I've become more obsessed this year haha. It's rare that I go by a day without playing guitar for at least an hour. I love it! This coming Friday is the coffee house at ASIJ, I hope more bands signed up...cause last I checked there were only 5 or 6 bands up there, and I'm in two of them XD Ahh!

Oh my gosh haha ok funny story. So I was up late last night talking to Graham and webcaming, and it was morning there for him right. So he's awake but his roomie (John) is still sleeping. Apparently John talks in his sleep haha. I don't remember everything that he said but oooooh my goodness it was hilarious. And then he started talking about the thong song. I'm not sure if he was awake when that started or not, but he ended up turning it on haha. Graham and I were laughing soooooo hard it was so funny.

Awesome picture of the day...

Transfusion by Sayra

"If You Wanna Believe In Me

...don't tell me you're leaving. Please don't be leaving me!" - The Scene Aesthetic





Totally digging The Scene Aesthetic's new song haha. So good. If you like acoustic, go look them up and listen. I love them!





So I thought I would post a blog because I am in a lovely mood now, right before I go to sleep. Woo! Paul you better read this haha. Anywho, I had Hi-BA tonight and it was awesome, as always. Were pretty spastic, espec Katya, freaking love that girl haha. Hope seems to be loosening up more too, which is awesome. She's so sweet. I'm glad to she came to ASIJ, and now Hi-BA!





So I'm talking to Anna right now about that poetic thing I wrote a few posts ago...I need to sit down with it, take bits out and make it into a song. It'd be epic. Totally doing that tomorrow night haha. Organizing the words anyway. =] Woo so excited! Maybe I can get to writing my first song all by myself XD

Knowledge 2

So this is my latest piece in the "Knowledge" series. I'm not all that into it. But...ya. It's done. Comments?





Alrighty! So that's it for tonight. Gonna go get my Jesus time in. YAY! Love Jesus time. Hehe.

Goodnight kids. Have a SWELL day! <3

Reminise

I just went through and read a bunch of old saved myspace messages from people. The one that made me smile and laugh the most would have to be this one ongoing message with Mike haha. All of the previous messages hadn't been saved onto it for some reason, but I think I had said something to Mike about me owning everyone at Tetris and he was like "Oh dude I own at Tetris" and we're like, going back and forth about who would beat who down harder and all this stuff lol. It's so ridiculous and hilarioous. Then he challeneged me to a game. Funny thing was, this was three years ago and we haven't played Tetris yet. Gotta get on that! Haha. Anyway. That lifted my spirits a bit.

There something on my mind right and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I won't say what it is because it's not something everyone needs to read about, or know about, but ya. I'm frustrated. Pray for my frazzled mind! I need Jesus to tell me what to do.

Listening to nevershoutnever! Are you suprised? I doubt it. It rained today. It was beautiful. I left my guitar at school, shouldn't have done that. I always want it now. It's pretty awesome.

You know it's kind of funny when you read old messages from people, and remember how you reacted to them at the time when you first read it. And then you remember what you thought about it like, a few months later. It's really interesting how you can react in such totally different ways to the same exact thing, depending on the time. It's funny how you can believe something at one time, another time think it was total bull crap, and then the last time just think "Aw, nice memories. I learned a lot from that."

Life is just freaking interesting man.

My dad is eating toast. Mmmm...toast. That sounds yummy. NO MIYUKI. Freaking you need to go finish your homework so you can go to bed. Haha. Talking in 3rd person XD. Ah! That reminds me of a conversation I had with Pribble like....4 years ago. We had this whole long conversation in 3rd person and I was cracking up the whole time. Oh late night conversations, how I love you. Woo!

Ok. I'm going to go and do my homework. Wait. Before that. Posting a picture. Because I like it. Yes. This is mine. Enjoy!

Decaying

She's Got Style

Cus girl you got style

And that’s what I love about you

The way that you sit back

Oh how you sit back

And watch this grow

You got dreams

And therefore I believe in you

All the small town people with their big remarks

Ain’t got jack to say about my movie star

Chorus of "She's Got Style" by nevershoutnever!

Yes this song happens to be my obsession of the moment...or week...haha. Woo. You guys should go listen. It's lovely. Kinda funny though. I just watched a video of Chris Ingles (singer), and he was about to play and then he stops. And he's like, "Ok I'm gonna tell you guys a story about this song that's going to make you really depressed. I wrote this about a girl I was dating a couple months back, and she cheated on me." And everyones like, "OMG!!" and he just kinda laughs and is like, "It's cool we're friends. We even text!" hahaha. I was like dude, this kid is freaking awesome. But ya the songs awesome. Listen upppp. Thinking about covering it. I'll change "girl" to "boy" and "she" to "he" though haha.

I'm in a good mood right now. It's suprising considering how crappy I was feeling earlier. I expected to go to bed bummed out but nooo. People just had to go and make me happy by loving my writing =]. Good stuff man. Hopefully when I go to bed in a bit I'll still be in a good mood haha.

Anyway I'm gonna get off and finish the rest of my hw, spend some time with Jesus and get to sleep. Later kids.

"Love until it hurts, and then love more.” – Mother Teresa

This Is How It Is

I'm sitting here eating M&Ms. Blue. Orange. Red. Brown. Orange. Green. They're not doing a very good job of making me feel better. I have realized that I am forever cursed. No matter what I do, for the rest of my life, people are going to jab at me over and over again about having close friendships with guys. The way I see it, there are only two ways to get away from this. 1) End all my friendships with guys. 2) Be someone other than myself and make those friendships less important, or make them seem less important to me than they really are. Those both look like really lame options.

Orange.

I'm listening to Owl City right now. His music is really nice. So chill. It's kind of putting me to sleep though. It's like...really smooth. Not sure how to explain it. Anyway I think people were pretty into my last post (also posted on myspace and facebook) so I'm thinking I need to start writing more. I'm not usually that inspired though. How lame is that.

Blue. Like your eyes..

I'm trying to convince my mom to get me this guitar. I really want a Taylor, and this is the cheapest one they have so...I'm gonna go for it.

Anyway. I have to go do hw now, because that is what my life has come to. Maybe I'll try and do some writing after that.

Red.

I'm Not Going Anywhere

The marine layer hugs me as I lean on the edge gulping in the salty California air as my body shivers. My jacket is too thin. I stare over the dark peaceful ocean, the ocean I know I'll be longing for. It's rhythm, it's scent, it's life. All of this will soon be a distant memory, and I fear what the future will bring. Fear of being abandoned again. Memories of former pains flood back. I can't have that again. My breathing slows and my chest heaves.

I wish you would come to me. I'm scared.

The silence is stirred by your footsteps, and I wonder why you've come. You say you can't leave me alone in the dark. I breathe sharply. Silence. You being to talk of your pain as I listen, lost for words. I start to cry. Everything I've been trying to hold in and hide is spilling out of me.

Hold me.

You stand up and reach for me. I welcome your arms around me as my body shakes harder. Your arms of protection. You never let go, silently crying with me. Leaning into you I absorb your warmth as the tears stream down my face. I can hear your heartbeat. The sound I've become so accustomed to. My comfort. I hear you whisper just what I need to hear.

"I'm not going anywhere."

In that moment I know it won't be over. I know your love will follow me in the plane over the ocean. You won't let me down. You gently wipe away my tears with your perfect hands and place your jacket over my cold shoulders. In the cold with your arm around me we silently walk to your car, and we dance under the streetlight one more time.

I love you.

"If You Got It All Figured Out...

...then what is there to shout about?" - neversaynever!

Sometimes I have those times when I seem to have way too much time on my hands. Like I'm doing stuff but for some reason my mind just goes everywhere. And I start to think about what my life is, what's important to me, and what I want to do with my life. Actually I think about those things a bit too much. For some reason it makes me really unhappy. Well. Half the time anyway.

Like there are some people in my life right now, I wonder why I call them friends. I wonder why I stick around. And then I remember what I read in my quiet time last night.

Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part. Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. - 1 Thessalonian 5:12-13

Then I think about college aps and I start freaking out. A part of me is so scared I'm not gonna make it in. Which is retarded, cause I know that I will, be it Azusa or Vanguard. Ugh so much irritation comes up when I think about college.

Then I think about the future. I think about how all these things I've been wanting to do will become a reality. I'll get to go on dates with my man. Go horseback riding, be it regularly or just at random times. Midnight drives, screaming at the top of my lungs. Shows. Road trips. Pizza. (haha) I can look at those things and smile, but at the same time they make me want to cry. I'm so freaking impatient I want it all now. Jesus give me patience.

Another thought haha. If I had everything now, I guess there wouldn't be anything really exciting in life huh? Nothing to look forward to. If we had everything figured out nothing would be fun. Finding things out is part of the fun of living. I guess I should be happy with not knowing everything haha.

My band has a name now. For those of you who didn't know...I'm doing a two acoustic, one vocal band with a friend. We're just going to be doing covers because we're too lame to write songs. So we picked the most ironic band name ever. All Rights Reserved. lol. I freaking love it. Kids in Japan, if you can come see us play, October 17, at ASIJ. Cody and I will be representing Bridge as well. Come show your support!

So I'm really into this band nevershoutnever!. Go listen everyone. Talented kid.

Anyway I'm going to finish my Hansen's Kiwi Strawberry soda and do the laundry. I was in the dark room today so I have some pictures to scan and upload later on. They'll be in the next post.

Cya..