"Heaven, Where Is My Angel...

...I need him now." - Bullet For My Valentine (changed a word in there)

-----------------------------------------------------

I don't think you really know who I am. You say you do. But all of the recent things that have been spitting out at me make me think otherwise. You don't believe in me. You think I'm going to change what I'm passionate about. You think I'm too young, and don't know myself well enough to make decisions. Fine. I'll prove you wrong. Just like in so many other things that I'm going to prove once I get out of here. I'm going to blossom. You'll never know what hit you.

-----------------------------------------------------

Knowledge 1
Any feedback?

-----------------------------------------------------

Song obsession for the moment: Who's Going Home With You Tonight by Trapt

Anyway I'm off to take out my aggression and current unhappiness on some unedited pictures from Luminous Sky. Hopefully some of them came out awesome. I need to start uploading more pictures.

Hope everyones having fun living.

Spit You Out

Screw you and your little dress. Ok glad to get that off my chest. I feel much better now. Woo.

Haha. So today was goooooood. I was at church all day. And after the first service Cody, Sarah, Hope, Christin and myself went to get Rockstars. It was beautiful. Cody and I were awake for the rest of the day haha. Had some awesome jam sessions. Good stuff man. =D Ya I don't really know what to say about today. It was just....good haha.

Graham sent me a bunch of music. Soulja Boy cover by Calvary Kids, hahaha. Makes me SO happy. Funny stuff dude. And this song "A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" by The Providence...amazing. Everyone should go to their myspace and listen to them.

Ya...I say hands off. If you know what's good for you.

Oh so many random thoughts today. Louie is funny. I always have the most interesting conversations with him. I learn from that kid. He knows tons of random stuff haha.

Had a nice conversation with my mom tonight. But you don't need to know all the details. One of the sad things, kinda disappointed about this. If it even happens. But basically because the U.S. is retarded and the freaking economy sucks, I might not get a car. That' ok. But sucks at the same time cause I've been looking forward to driving around by myself blasting my music and screaming. But if not, I still get a bike =D. Haha. So I can....blast my ipod and ride my bike....and scream....in the middle of the night? lol. Er....I'll figure something out if that happens haha. And other stuff. She's already starting to cry about me leaving....my goodness. It's going to be interesting what she's like when I actually leave!

ANYWAY. I am incredibly hyper right now. It's lovely. Really. It is. You should try it some time. =D

Dude. Bullet For My Valentine. FTW!!

I am in a LOVELY mood right now. Want to know why? Well we had an awesome service at church today. Sermon was GREAT, worship was AMAZING annnd on the way home we listened to techno! Haha. It was loads of fun bouncing in the car with the bass turned up. Aw man good times haha. And right now I'm listening to Backseat Goodbye, makes me quite happy. Hehe. So anyway. Today I felt quite released. From a lot of stuff. I think I'm ok now. I hope. All I know is G-d is good. HARDCORE. =D

Anywho...haha. Good mood! Wee!! I really want to write a blog but at the moment I'm a bit too happy to really think of anything to write about. How odd. I got home and I was like "Dude blog time!" and then I opened my blog and I was like...hm. Not much to write about.

Ok I lied (sorry) I can write about something haha. This is so amazing. Jesus is speaking to me, and I don't have any doubt in it. FOR ONCE. Yesss. This is like...wow omg epic crazy OMG haha. There are no words to describe it. There aren't words to describe a lot of things in life...I've recently realized this. It's a bit annoying because then it's hard to express things. Like ya there are good words and all, but you can never hope to express everything to the fullest. But ya. Hearing some stuff I don't like so much....and other stuff I find quite amazing. Like I need to just give Him everything, and He'll take care of me. It's like one of those things you KNOW but you just need to be reminded of sometimes. As ADD as my mind is I forget important things like that haha. But ya. Today I had to sing "I Need You" at church, and for some reason that song always makes me nervous when I have to lead it. I think that's female lead songs in general. Donno why. But basically the chorus is

I need you
More than words can say
More and more each day
Jesus I love you
I need you
More than life itself
Jesus I will worship you
Forever more

And like, I'm freaking leading the song and I'm like "OMG" haha. EPIPHANY! But ya man. Amazing stuff. Haven't worshiped like that in a long time. It was nice for a change. So I need Jesus. And I know this. I've known it...but I don't think I really grasped it. Not for a while anyway. I was drifting trying to figure my life out, when really I need to just let Him figure it out for me. He's generally better at it haha. But ya. I need to go by it day by day, and He'll hold me and take all the crap away. I'm excited =]

You took my filth, and you made me beautiful.
Thank you Jesus.
Love, Miyuki

Counting Down All The Hours I Spent Here, Drowning In All Of Your Lies Dear

So at the moment I am a bit frustrated. That seems to be the case with me recently huh? Haha. I was riding my bike home and I was just thinking about the recent events in my life and like, I started writing a poem in my head figuring it all out, and I was like "Dude this is going to release me" and I was gonna go home and write it out and then I went up to tell my mom I was home and we ended up talking for like half an hour and then I was like "Uh...I forgot it." It's starting to come back to me though so...*opens word document*....I really should be writing my story for tragedy. Maybe this could be a part of my story. HM! There's an idea. I don't know how I feel about writing that for my teacher to see though. Kind of a touchy subject. We'll see how my poem goes.

Anyway Hi-BA tonight was AWESOME, as usual. Fumi and Trev came finally! YAY! And Hope and Christine came, good stuff. I like them. They cool girls, really chill. I'm glad they go to school with me haha. We talked about quiet times, and then did a short one. I read 1 Corinthians 13, cause it's my favorite. It's about what love is, and how it is ESSENTIAL. You guys should all go read it. It freakin rocks.

Anywho. Gonna see what I can get out of my brain of that poem and then I'm gonna see if I can get on that Tragedy assignment. (the story) Later kidssss.

Success!

I have finished my Japan Sem essay on Okinawa after working on it for about 4 hours now. Yes! I hope it rocks otherwise I'm gonna be freaking pissed. It's 11pm now. I'm pretty tired. I need to put the new underOATH on my ipod.

*runs to get plug*

Ok. Even though I'm done with my essay, I still feel a little frustrated. I took some benedryl earlier for my allergies because I was sneezing up a storm but now my eye is REALLY itchy, which usually means my allergies are acting up. Boo. And tomorrow I have to write a story for Tragedy and I have no idea what I'm going to write about. Well ok that's a lie I do have an idea. We're supposed to take events in our life and tie them together. I was thinking...ionno what I was thinking. Probably something that has to do with music. We'll see. I can't think right now. I have a head ache. And I'm really really really tired. I'm going to bed.

I hope my negatives are in tomorrow. I really want to get in the darkroom.

Goodnight kids. Leave me some love.

Lost In The Sound of Seperation

So I finally got the new underOATH CD. I had listened to it when they streamed it on myspace but man....now that I'm actually listening to it, this is their best yet. Before I would have said that I liked all of their CDs the same, but this is amazing. The lyrics...gonna share some of my favorites with you guys =].

Too Bright to See, Too Loud to Hear

Good God, if your song leaves our lips

If your work leaves our hands

Then we will be wonders and vagabonds

They will stare and say how empty we are

How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men

Let us be cold, make us weak

Let us, because we all have ears

Let us, because we all have eyes

How they knew that this would happen

We're so run down

Good God! Can you still get us home...

How can we still get home

I'm not dreaming

We're forgetting our forgiveness

I'm sitting here trying to find words to describe what I think of this song. It's difficult. Basically the only thing I can articulate at the moment is that I think the last line is incredibly true. We are forgetting our forgiveness. That's why people don't forgive. I think if we truely grasped the forgiveness that Jesus gave to us, we would forgive much more readily. Maybe we all need to reevaluate huh?

Desolate Earth, the End Is Near

You said there was nothing left down here

Well I roamed around the wasteland

And I swear I found something

I found hope, I found God

I found the dreams of the believers

Oh, God! Save us all

This song is beautiful. Most of it is instrumental, but at the end these lyrics come in. And it's beautiful. I love that underOATH can talk about the pain of life in their songs, but they always come back to Jesus. They know that there is hope. They've found it, in G-d, as this song clearly states. Beautiful. Blunt and beautiful.

Ok so just looked at some more of their lyrics. I just might to write something about every song. I'll leave that for another post though, after I've finished my Japan Seminar essay and dwelled on them some more. Get ready! Haha. My first CD review. XD

Sleep To Dream

I got my feet on the ground
And I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds
You're not at all what you seem
This mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled
By your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around
I got my own hell to raise

Don't make it a big deal
Don't be so sensitive
We're not playing a game anymore
You don't have to be so defensive

Don't you plead me your case
Don't bother to explain
Don't even show me your face
'Cuz it's a crying shame
Just go back to the rock
From under which you came
Take the sorrows you gave
And all the stakes you claim
And don't forget the blame
Sleep To Dream by Fiona Apple

I've always loved Fiona's songs. Ever since my sister introduced me to her in 7th or 8th grade I thought she was brilliant. Her songs had so much insight and emotion. They seemed even crazier when I found that she was raped when she was 16, and that's what a lot of her songs were about. I could never really relate though.

Tonight was my night to do the dishes and I always listen to my iPod when I do them, so I thought "Hey I'm kinda in a chill mood, and not the great kind, Fiona Apple time!" So I turn on my beloved female singer with her low pulling voice and evocative piano parts. It comes to Sleep To Dream, and it's like my eyes were open. I can relate. I get this now. The parts that I can relate to the most are "so don't forget what I told you, don't come around" and "take the sorrows you gave and all the stakes you claim, and don't forget the blame". And then I hear the line in the chorus, "this mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled, by your deviant ways" and I'm like, "Heck ya, POWER TO ME." Haha.

So ya. Feeling pretty good right now. I can get over all the scars. I can. I want to get rid of them cause they freaking suck like you wouldn't believe. I won't go into them though. There's no need.

I got an e-mail from Hot Topic today alerting me to the new fall clothing that I can't get. Haha. I thought I would browse anyway, because I'm like that. I think I'm gonna see if I can get my mom to get me one of these for graduation, since we never got me one this summer. I like the first one better than the second personally. Dress 1. Dress 2. Cute huh? Then I saw this skirt and about jumped out of my shorts. It's so cute! And these jeans are just...amazing. Wow. Haha. They're downward stripes so they're probably really slimming. I mean skinny jeans already are but this is like, double! Oh man. I just HAD to get into the hoodies didn't I? I'm seeing this "Jessica Louise" stuff. I like it...a lot. This hoodie is SO cute! And this white one is just pure hot. Then there's the freaking awesome Chiodos shirt. And this is just so me. I mean come on, right? Haha.

So then after seeing all of that good stuff I had to go to the accessories. Oh my goodness. Hair extensions anyone? HOLY! These socks are only the hottest thing ever! And then I go to the jewelry section...there is the danger. This is only kind of me. These go with my new obsession with rainbow jewelry. Haha. More rain in the form of a studded bracelet. I need to start wearing my suspenders again. And now the most dangerous part of Hot Topic. Hello Kitty. Yes. I said it. Hello Kitty. And now I'm sad because they don't have anything I like =[. This is a sad sad world. Now on to SkelAnimals! Hehe. So cute. Ok done with Hot Topic.

Quick trip to PacSun before I run off. =D I've been drooling over this hoodie since July. Maybe I can convince my parents to get it for me for Christmas. "Don't Panic I'm Organic!" lol. I would be so down to have that bag.

Ok that's good for tonight. I'm tired.

Christmas presents anyone?!?!?! Hahaha. =D

Goodnight! <3>

"So Now You're Screaming At The Top Of Your Lungs...

...hoping for someone to come." (lyrics by A Skylit Drive)

Kinda having a lame day. Boo.

Sometimes I just sit here and think about life. Who I want to be. Who other people see me as. Past conversations. Kinda random things.

Sometimes I think about how it makes no sense that I lose all this weight and I feel great and then I get back to Japan and it's suddenly all back. I want it all gone again. I have to figure out how to go about it though. I could be spastic and stop eating. I could be a little less than spastic and eat just a little. I can be reasonable and take out the junk. Or I can forget about it. Scratch that last one. That's not gonna happen.

I'm looking around DeviantArt right now. Just thought I'd share with you guys the pictures that are striking me right now. Just cause they're amazing. Both are done by the same artist, darkixi.

Scare

Fear

Pretty good stuff huh? I love the tones and the colors. And the eyes...so striking.

Anyway I guess that's all I have for now. I'm dead. Lata.

When It Rains

Yes. The title was jacked from Paramore. Sorry. I love that song though. Every time it rains I sing it =] Oh Paramore. How I love you! Haha. I think it's the most played song on my iPod. Woo! Anywho!

So today it was pouring down and it made me incredibly happy. We had dinner at this new Italian restaurant in Musashi-Sakai for my brother's birthday. I was sitting next to the window, and the restaurant is on the second floor of the building so I was looking down on the taxi cab area, and you could see the drops coming down. Oh man. What an image. Some people might find this odd, but I find the rain incredibly inspiring. Walking in it and getting drenched in it is even more inspiring than watching it though haha. Be at one with the rain. Oh ya. I just said that. It especially lifted my spirits at dinner because the Italian food was not as good as I had hoped. The pizza was pretty good, but not straight up Italian. And they didn't have garlic bread. I must have my garlic bread, haha. But ya anyway I was all stoked. When we got home I was supposed to start my make up homework but I was like "I'm feeling too dang good and I haven't played my guitar since Sunday (stupid getting sick) so I'm rocking out." So I got out my beloved acoustic (soon to be replaced lol) and figured out my final song list for the MUSE Coffeehouse which is October 17th so if you live in Japan, or you go to ASIJ and you're reading this, please come. =] Hopefully my buddy DYLAN MITCHELL (haha) will be playing guitar for/with me. That is if I can whip him into shape before then haha. If not I'll be going solo. *faints* So I decided I was going to be a hardcore Secondhand Serenade fan and play four of his songs. They are...
1) Maybe
2) Your Call
3) Fall For You
4) A Twist In My Story
I was going to add "It's Not Over" in there but there's like four barre chords in there and Dylan is a newbie, so I don't want to load that on him. Next time maybe =].

So now I'm listening to Luke Pickett, he's so lovely, and making little notes on the chord sheets for Dylan so we can get him started on the songs tomorrow morning. Should be a fuuuun time with tons of complaining on Dylan's end haha.

I'm feeling much better. I still have a bit of a cough though. OH! Funny story. So my buddy Chiro at church (aka little brother) was spraying his cologne on during the service and I was like "Oh let me smell" so he gives me his wrist. *Miyuki sniffs* Wait a few seconds.... *Miyuki gags* "Chiro you freaking clogged up my throat!" *Miyuki coughs through the rest of the service* haha. Good times. Anyway. Don't smell Chiro. Just my words of wisdom for the night. My voice is almost back all the way. I can't quite hit a few notes without cracking, but I should be ok by the end of the week.

Today was pretty chill. I had a really good day at church, the sermon was lovely. Pastor Dennis was preaching on how the Bible says men are supposed to act toward the wives. I liked it quite a bit. He added a few funny things in there too. You know those "when a woman says this she really means...." Best part about those is they're pretty dang accurate haha. So ya it was good stuff. And then we had small groups and that was loads of fun like always. Bailey keeps making me love her more with her awesome fashion sense and our similar thinking (in some ways anyway). Then came home and chatted with Graham for a while and webcamed it up! I got to see him laugh a smile quite a bit. Totally made my day. Even over the rain! OH MY! Haha. I even got to see his puppy, whom I am in love with. He's so cute. And white. And omg. Just so cuddly. XD I'm obsessed with his dog. I'm sorry. I can't help myself.

So yes now that this LONG blog is done with, I think I'm going to go read my suspense book, and possibly do some more HW.

Goodnight lovelies! Leave me lovely comments. <3

I'll Spin You Around

I should be really happy right now. I just went to an awesome rally. I got to see some of my CAJ kids again. I saw Luminous Sky and they were really really good. I think I was happy and then I got home and I was like "Boo...I miss my man." Then I had to do the stupid thing and turn on Spin You Around by Puddle Of Mudd which is like...our song. Well one of them anyway. It makes me think of him cause it's the song we dance to. *smiles and thinks of the first time they went dancing* Hehe. I miss him though. I miss dancing with him. I miss his smile. I see it on the webcam but it's not the same thing as seeing it in person. And I just read this e-mail he sent me during the summer. I was having a hard time because of something and I was crying and on AIM he start typing out the most amazing thing ever. I'm not telling you what cause it's my secret, but looking back at it now...man. I'm in complete awe. The fact that someone could think this way about me blows my mind. I'm so blessed to have him. Can't wait to be back with him. Until then. I'll just have to wake him up at random times =P.

Besides all of that mushy stuff haha....Still haven't been able to get around to my photo idea! Gah. My mom made me clean my room and then I had to shower and then Sarah was gonna come over so I didn't have time. I won't have time tomorrow because I have church and then make up homework to do and then we're going out to dinner for my brother's birthday. AH! So much haha. I'll probably try and do it on Monday or Tuesday after school though. We'll see what goes down...as usual. I'm terrible at planning my days out.

Alrighty it's time for me to go and read my awesome suspense book, Thr3e by Ted Dekker. Good stuff man. Then I'm going to go to sleep. Cause I'm really tired.

Knowledge 2

So every post that I talk about my photography project, it's going to be called knowledge. If you're just starting to read you might want to go back and check out the previous post so you know what's going down =]

So last night in one of my posts I mentioned my latest idea. This is what I have in my mind right now, tell me what you think.

Category: Self Portrait
Background: White
Props: Print out of pictures of apples
Wardrobe: Black basketball shorts and a white spaghetti strap
Picture this: Me sitting cross legged smack in the middle of the picture (my position could change...) biting into a picture of an apple. More apples, torn, full, bit into, are strewn all over the floor around me.

I have another idea, similar. I would do this at church and I would have a bunch of people do it. Then I would put them all together in a collage. Each person would be looking up, down or to the side at someone else (except for the last person who will be keeping to themselves). We'll see =]

Peaceful

It's amazing how easily thinking of just one certain person can calm me down so easily. I feel so chill and at peace right now. Hehe. This years going to be awesome, full of obstacles for sure, but awesome. I can't wait to see what it'll bring and how it'll end. I'm so excited about it. I can't remember the last time I was so excited to see what was going to happen day by day. I'm so used to looking ahead to what I can't have at the moment. That was tiring. This is much better. For sure. I can look forward to what's in the future, but I can enjoy the moment I'm in as well. It's a nice change of pace for me.

So I was going to do my "me eating paper apples" idea tonight but then mom said I have to go to bed at 10:30 cause I've been sick and it's almost 10:30 so that will have to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully they'll let me shut off the doors in here and concentrate on it haha. Hehe. I can't wait to do it. It's gonna be so freaking epic XD. Wooooooo!

Seriously. Life is a joy now. Does anyone notice the difference in me or is it just me?

Mentally Hyper

So apparently blogging is incredibly stimulating. Just from my experience haha. Ok I just got interrupted like five times. OF ALL THE RUDE THINGS. Haha. It's ok. I'm chill. Anyway I just spent the last hour being stupid on the webcam and making Graham laugh. It was awesome =]. I love it when he laughs. I love it when people in general laugh really. Laughter is BOMB dude. Freaking bomb. It generally means happiness, or it leads you there. And happiness is well...BOMB. Haha. Ok enough of that word. My sister used it in high school. I just started using it again. Bringing it back old school baby! Hehe.

Anyway. That was incredibly random. But then that's kinda how it goes for me right? I went back to school today and then I can home and I was like BOOOOOOOO I'M TIRED. Then like I started talking to Graham and now I'm like flying cause he's just fun to talk to. Haha. Anyways had to write a very serious email a minute ago so I've toned down some.

I have this awesome photo idea. It goes with my whole "knowledge" theme. I decide that every picture should have an apple in it, at least one, subtle or completely obvious. So for my first picture I'm going to get a totally white background. It's gonna be a self portrait haha. And I'm going to be chewing on a picture of an apple, and then have a bunch more strewn all over the place around me, and maybe in the background as well. We'll see what I decide. But ya. I'm pretty stoked to see how this will turn out =D.

I'm sure I'll post again later. I'm just like that. <3

Individuality

Ya ok I know I said that I was only posting two today but I decided to have a little rant.

It's interesting how you think you get rid of that person in your life that's really pulling you down and then you realize that you just didn't notice the other people pulling you down because that other person just outdid all of them. I hope that makes even a little bit of sense. Basically what it comes down to is I'm not what people want me to be. I'm not that girl that wants to be like everyone else. I don't want to look like everyone else. I want to be me.

I want to get a hot pink streaked hawk because I think it reflects my craziness. It's something different from everyone else around me.

I want a lip pierce because I think it would look good (after that fake trial I know that it would) and it's just another way I can be me in a way different from most of the people around me.

I wear black because I like how it looks on me.

I wear skinny jeans because they make me look slimmer and they are incredibly comfortable.

I wear chucks because they fit my slim feet and they're comfortable, not because I'm emo.

I don't like wearing colors like orange and yellow because they don't look good on me.

I like music with screaming because it sounds good to me. I like the emotion it gives off.

I like going to shows and getting pushed around because it makes me feel alive.

I like acting like a complete idiot when no one else is because then I'm something different.

I don't eat meat because I don't want all the gross chemicals in it. Ya, they're in other foods I eat too, but this is easy to cut out.

I like walking in the rain because I feel natural. Seeing and feeling the beauty of what my Creator made. It makes me feel alive.

I like to eat raw cookie dough because it is DELISH. Who cares if it's fattening. It's not like I do it all the time.

I like photography because images are a big deal. Words are generally too confined for me. With images there are so many more possibilities. And images can show a passion that words could never hope to express. I know that I'm going to be a photographer, that isn't going to change. This is what Jesus made me for.

I believe that violence is wrong. Jesus said those who kill by the sword die by the sword. I've heard a lot of people ask "What about self defense?" Before I would have said it's totally ok. Now for me, I'll call on the name of Jesus for protection. He can project me better than I could ever hope to protect myself.

I love California. It's my home. I know I'm only there during the summer, and then it's like a fairy tale, but home is where your heart is. Your heart is where those you love are. Those you love are the ones that stick by you and prove that they love you. My home is California.

I realize that some people might think that I'm pushy, but that really isn't my intention. I believe what I believe. You only think I'm pushy because you disagree, and you don't like that. Disagreeing is fine, so chill out. We can talk nicely about it =]

I can hear from Jesus. He does speak to me. I won't let anyone tell me that he doesn't again. Or that I don't hear right. I'm sorry I ever believed you.

That's enough for now. I'm tired and my head is throbbing. Goodnight everyone.

Knowledge

One more for today. I decided to do two posts cause....that last one deserved its own post =]
So anyway. I'm taking AP Art this year (hooray!) and I needed a concentration. So I am doing photography. I narrowed it down to Portrait photography and then my teacher was like, "Ya needing more specifics" so I was like ok what the heck can I do?!

So then I was talking to Graham today, and I randomly got this BOMB idea for a photo. You know how you always see those pictures of people who have ideas and they have a light bulb above their head? Well. I thought instead of a light bulb, a jar full of fireflies. How epic is that?! Hahahaha. Anyway I'm pretty excited about the idea. So then I was like, DUDE. My concentration should be knowledge! Cause my buddy Katya had this Adam and Eve idea (too difficult to try and explain in words) that she said I could use. And the whole Adam and Eve thing with the apple has to do with knowledge. Eve took the apple because she wanted to know everything like G-d.

So check it out two awesome ideas and they both have the same idea! Knowledge.

I have more ideas in the making, thanks to my buddy Melissa whom I swap ideas with constantly. She has lots of better ideas than me, so I give her my lame ones and she makes them awesome. Or I give her my awesome ones and she gives me more to add. Either way I'd be nowhere without her. Thanks girl!

So anyway keep your eye open. I'll for sure post them on here =]

Engulfed In Love

<-- Is he insanely handsome or what? =]

Basically...I am madly, hopelessly in love with this guy named Graham Gatlin. I just thought the whole world should know. Because he's amazing. =] He motivates me to work hard on things I really could care less about, but have to do anyhow. He encourages me in my passion, photography, more than any other human being ever has. And I doubt anyone will ever share his enthusiasm. When I'm feeling weak he reminds me that I'm strong, and I can do anything. He always likes to remind me that I'm beautiful. And makes me feel like a princess. He says silly things to make me laugh. He loves my large amount of weirdness. He never lets me forget that I'm worth something, I'm special, and he loves me for who I am. Best thing about him: He wants to treat me in such a way so that I can see myself the way Jesus sees me, through him.

Who wouldn't be incredibly happy to have a guy like that? =]

I love you Gummy Bear <3

Sickly @ Home

So as I sit here listening to The Scene Aesthetic (oh the lovely melodies singing in my ears) I'm being sick and trying to keep from coughing. Sounds joyful doesn't it? Haha. You know sometimes I wish my head would stop spinning with all the crazy thoughts in my head that make little to no sense. There's so much. I'll map out some that I can make sense of enough to type out at the moment haha.

I'm dealing with a hardcore Alesana obsession right now. It's awesome. They better be at Warped next year so I can go see them again =D. They're so awesome. Omg haha. There are no words to describe how much I loooooove their music. Hehe.

I can't wait to go off to college and really form myself into the person I want to be. I can't wait to be able to study what I'm actually interested. I can't wait to learn Greek so I can read the Old Testament the way it was supposed to be read. I can't wait to go to small, cheap shows and hang out with the bands. I can't wait to take pictures of everything and everyone that I see. I can't wait to get my hawk that I've been wanting since the 7th grade. I can't wait to get hot pink streaks in my hair. I can't wait to get a lip pierce (hopefully my mom will let me pull that one when I leave the house). I can't wait to have a car and be able to drive around with my music blaring. I can't wait to party in parking lots to Danger Radio with my kids. I can't wait to be with him =]. I can't wait for dorm pranks. I can't wait for midnight drives to nowhere. I can't wait to be able to call my friends and say "Let's just go somewhere." I can't wait for weekend camping trips. I can't wait for horseback riding. I can't wait for crazy parties where I get to dance my life away. I can't wait to watch the sunset on the beach with you.

I really miss my Jenny girl right now. Like seriously out of all the girls I've met (and trust me I've met a lot. They've been forced on me a lot these past 17 years) none compare to her. I know that we've grown up in completely different worlds, we have different views, different tastes, but we're still besties. I love her for loving me for who I am and who I've become, not who I was. She's the one person that has stuck by me HARDCORE these past 7 years. She's so amazing. Mental/Emotional/Spiritual sisters right here. I can't wait to get to hang out with her again and stay up late laughing at nothing. Sitting around watching Gilmore Girls. Making fun of her for her obsession with them. Watching Degrassi and crying. Listening to Taylor Swift. Dancing and complaining about how much better she is than me. She can actually move her hips. Haha. I miss her pretty eyes that always tell me the truth. I miss her blunt truth. She knows whats up, and she lets me know. I'll forever be grateful. I love this girl to death. Nothing will ever take her from me. NOTHING.

Chris did a message at church a couple of weeks ago about how we're supposed to respect and love our parents. I came out of that thinking "Heck ya. I'm gonna work harder to respect my dad" and I really was. Sunday my brother and I woke up at 6:30 to make my dad a cheese cake for his birthday before we went to church. Trust me that's a sacrifice for me, I do not do mornings. So we made that for him and it was all cool. Then that night at dinner my mom was saying something about my graduation and how my dad needed to record it in his calender. He asked why. What's the point in asking why? Is one of the biggest transitions in my life that meaningless to him? Then he leaves the table and asks when my brother's elementary school graduation is so he can go. I can just feel the love pouring out. (major sarcasm)

Now that the depressing stuff is out of the way...The Scene Aesthetic is amazing. Oh lovely. Lovely lovely lovely haha. Go listen. http://www.myspace.com/thesceneaesthetic

I would like to thank you for boosting my confidence. I wouldn't be who I am without you. I wouldn't have been able to get into that show the way I did without you. A few months ago I would have been way too shy and insecure. Some people are telling me that I've changed, and they think it's bad. This is so far from bad. I'm so happy now, and people are noticing. People at school keep saying "You're so happy this year." If only they knew why. Other people notice too. =] I sit here with a smile on my face so often. You're such a big part of that. Thank you so much. Seriously...thank you.

I wish it would rain right now. I'm in the mood to go out and dance in the rain and sing at the top of my lungs. Life just feels so good right now. I can't remember the last time I was so happy to be alive. =]

Alesana + The Blackout: EPIC SHOW!

<--- Shawn from Alesana =D

My friend Katya and I got there at about 2:30 and the bands came in around 3. They kept going in and out so every chance we got we grabbed someone we hadn't talked to and asked them if they could get us in. 3 of them said they didn't know and they would ask but I don't think they ever did haha. Another guy was just a jerk. And so 30minutes before the show started, and Katya was about to give up, I saw the lead singer/guitarist of Alesana come up. Some girls grabbed him and were getting his autographs so we stood by until they were done and I was like "Hey we really want to get into your show. We tried to get tickets two days after you guys announced it but it was so sold out but we really want to get in is there any way you can get us in?" and he was like "I'm not sure but I'll find out. How do you have such good English?" haha and ya so I told him I was American and stuff. So he told us to wait there and like a minute later he came back up and he was like "Ok I can get you guys in but here's the catch, you have to pay 600yen for a drink ticket" and we're like omg we are so down with that. So we're walking down (the venue was waaay underground) and I was like "See Katya I told you four hours of waiting would pay off!" and he laughed at me haha. So then we go down to the front expecting to pay for a drink ticket AND a regular ticket, but instead we only had to pay 600yen!! AHHH!! And then before we went in Shawn (guy that got us in) was like, "Ok you guys better rock out!" and gave us high fives and we were like "OMG WE SO WILL!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!" Ahhh!!

So this venue was so tiny, it was awesome. The Blackout came on first and they were freaking amazing, and hilarious. I screamed to the lead singer that I loved him and he was like "I love you too! No. I love you more!" haha it was awesome. But ya they were just really good you should look them up. They threw water bottles out too and I got one haha.

Then Alesana came on and by then I had managed to get so close that I could touch one of the amps on the stage. And I was on the side of the stage that Shawn was on, SO GREAT. But ya he saw me and he winked at me and I was like OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GETTING ME INTO THIS SHOW!! hahaha. And it was awesome. I totally rocked out. I was SOOOOO soaked with sweat. It was like I had just gotten out of the shower haha. And like the bassist said something (can't remember what) and the screamer was like "I hate you." And I was like, "I LOVE YOU!!" and everyone laughed and he was like, "well someone loves you" hahaha. It was so great. And then at the end they were throwing out pics and sticks and stuff. I grabbed a stick at the same time as 3 other girls and we jyankened for it and I ALMOST got it. I was so close. But then Shawn came out again and was throwing stuff out at people and I started screaming "set list!" and he balled one up and there were a bunch of hands by mine trying to grab for it but he put it directly into mine XD

Omg it was so amazing! They're doing an acoustic set in HMV tomorrow so if my mom will let me I'm gonna go see if I can get the set list signed. If she says no my friend Katya is gnna go and she'll get it signed for me. But omg. It was so amazing. Thanks for all of the tips Tomi! They helped. Haha. And I hate talking to strangers. And I get all star struck. I couldn't believe how I was like OMG LET US IN hahahaha. Oh man. BEST SHOW OF MY LIFE!!

What I Hate About The Internet

Or more specifically myspace/facebook. Social networking, what have you. Whatever you put up there, EVERYONE sees it. There is no privacy. Kind of makes me hate social networking. Cause then like. Everyone sees everything, so they ask questions about everything. It's only slightly irritating.

Ok that's a short rant for tonight. The rain made me way too happy=]

The Ending

It really hurts to know you can cherish someone so much, and they just throw you out the door. Just like that. You try to be that one person in their life that sticks by them always. Even after all the blows to your heart, you stick by them. Over and over again. You defend them and offer help whenever you can. And they drop. Just like that. It hurts. You call someone your best friend. You watch over them as best you can...even when you get over looked. I'm hurt. But this is the end. If we ever become friends again, you won't have my trust so easily. I won't give it like I did before. False promises...I should have expected it. I promised myself I would never abandon you, and even though you've abandoned me, I'm still here. I won't think about it as soon as I push that post button. I promised myself I wouldn't let anything bring me down like before, and this is no exception.

Goodbye.

A Few Thoughts

I think if I had nothing better to do with my time (or rather hours of homework) I would be blogging 24/7 talking about how I don't understand anything haha.

Anyway. I've decided something. The past 4 years of my life I've let every little thing bring me down. I let myself get depressed when there was no need. I let people push me around, when I'm a much bigger person than that. (I know you're laughing at that.) This year is going to be different. My last year of high school is going to be AMAZING. And so far it has been. Some awesome people have come into my life, or come back into my life. I'm excited for what's going to happen. I'm not going to let drama in California or bad grades or whatever might come around get me down. This year is going to be BOMB and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Unless you just wanna make it more awesome for me. I'm down with that =].

So there's this person that walked into my life recently. He knows who he is. He's helped me change the way I see myself...the way I see life. It's crazy how much one person can impact you. He constantly letting me know that I'm beautiful, and the amazing thing is I believe him. For some reason (I don't know what) he makes me want to really live my life. He's not even with me, and he makes me want to be happy. And I am so determined to do that. Thanks kid <3

So now I need to get my history notes down. After all that reading...haha. Have a good night everyone! Check out these two solo artists I found today. I am completely in love with them. I hope you will be too.

Backseat Goodbye
Luke Pickett

Physical Affection...

So I was laying in bed last night I was thinking (I do that a lot) about how fascinating physical contact is. How is it that someone you like can barely touch your hand, and this lightning bolt shoots up your arm? I mean like what's the deal with that? Someone can just like, pat your arm or something and it does nothing. But then a hug when you're close to someone, it's sooooo different. I don't understand. Why do we react to physical contact like that? Weird stuff man. I'm so confused now lol. Or what about kisses. Why is it that kisses are such a huge deal? Ok wait. WAIT. Seeing a connection here. (no pun intended)
Hold Hands -> Connection
Hugs -> Connection
Kisses -> Connection
Um ya. That could be like, a connection a 10 year old could make but...it's early so I'll give myself some credit haha. Is it just all about connection? Hm. But then why are they more special with some people? Oh my goodness I'm just going to end up confusing myself. Ok I'm gonna stop. Leave me thoughts!